what's going on inside.

Hey, I haven't been on here in a very long time. kinda sad I know! well have you ever felt like there is no more hope to find someone out there?... this thought crosses my mind ALL the time. 'what if I don't find someone soon?" "Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?" "What if I don't get married?" "Do people think I'm weird?" See, the thing is. I have a very low self esteem when it comes to looks and my openness to people. I have recently gained alot of weight which automatically lowers it... but I guess that is my fault. but my mother is always drilling me about. "Sweetie, you are getting bigger than a house." UM.... WHAT. She says it's constructive criticism. UM... once again. WHAT? how is that constructive? Honestly, that just sounds like you're making fun of me. but whatever. I've become alot crazier publicly with my friends. They honestly don't look at my seriously. So, sometimes I try to act serious and mature but then they end up not talking to me. Then most guys think I'm strange.... because I said odd things and I'm really random.... I can't help that I am like that. There are some guys that I would REALLY like to date. They're just amazing people, and I really look deep down when I like someone. I've made up my mind to search for someone who is deeper than just the average, preppy guy who wants his girlfriend to be proper and snobby. I hate that. I want to be me, but I can't be me. Sometimes I wish I could escape from it all.... just run away to another world. There is one guy that I have always cared for, but we've gone out before but it never works.... but for some reason in my heart we are perfect for each other.

If I am tired of anything it would be the hassle of searching for your future husband. It seems like it will never happen. I see all of these happy, beautifully cut out for each other couples all the time. Just they way they look at each other is breath taking. It's not lustful at all... it's kind of like they're seeing for the first time. I want to feel that way. Feel that content and love in the pit of my stomach, because for once I am TRUELY happy. Not that happiness that last for a couple of seconds.... that lifetime of joy. I think love is beautiful. God is amazing. He sure was an interesting creator. Who else could have designed me to feel this way? Even though I complain and I am heart searching, I know God is putting me through this so I will know for sure when I find my other half.

Once Again

break ups. they suck. i HAD this boyfriend that was absolutely amazing. would tell me anything i wanted to hear. and i didn't even have to tell him to say that stuff. he knew what i wanted to hear. i guess that could have been the first clue to knowing he was a move-on kind of guy. i mean... gah. he broke up with me over text! what the crap??? it was so sudden. like he had a thought that it wouldn't hurt my feelings or anything. maybe i'm over thinking this. but i know im not. i hate to hurt like this. to have these feelings about myself. i feel so insecure and horrible. why couldn't he have just called me and explained it to me why. oh here's the best part now. i ask him why and he tells me I can't tell you. AGAIN. WHAT THE CRAP???? are you serious? we've been friends forever! even if im not your girlfriend anymore he could of at least told me as his best friend. pathetic. sadly. i still care for him alot. i haven't cried... yet. but just the fact that he won't tell me this little detail of why our whole relationship failed, it makes me feel so insecure. like im just not good enough for him. just pathetic. once again. i'm single. and all i can do now is listen to Ashes and Wine by A Fine Frenzy. just describes my whole entire emotional world here. the first line is DOn't know what to do anymore. exactly how i feel. i was so happy before that horrible hour of denial and fate. and once again. I'm left alone. without the respect of myself. Once again.