THIS IS WHY I HATE HAVING CRUSHES. Right at this moment, I am sitting in bed, listening to Trouble by Coldplay. It's a great depressing song that actually makes me think about the reality of this situation. When I say situation I mean this giant ache in my heart that makes me almost sick to my stomach. This sick feeling always comes to me when I think that I could be savoring up all of these feelings for this one guy, and he won't like me in return. It hurts to think that I'm actually doing this to myself- that I'm actually putting myself in a position to be hurt. Why do I do that to myself- Why does ANYone do that to themselves..? Because I and most everyone long to be with someone that they like or see themselves with. I see myself with this guy... but I feel like I'm getting mixed signals or no signals at all that I just think are signals because I want to think that they are good signals. He texts another girl the entire time he's with me. He only texts me to ask if I wanna get together with him and other guys... He asks me if I'm going to go places. He uses sarcasm with me that kind of is like flirtatious. NOTHING is clear to me. I'm so confused right now. For some reason my mind is telling me to not waste my time on this, but I say that about every opportunity guy and I feel like I'm missing out on something. Isn't it alright to have a little fun to get out there and flirt and have fun with potential guys? The problem is the possibility of being hurt. I don't even know if he's a good match for me. I'd probably be like his best friend... I want to be his ONE. I just want to be someone's ONE. I want to be the girl that one guy will be so proud and feel blessed to have. I want to feel like we were made for each other. I want to feel like it was God that brought us together in some mysterious and rather strange way that we could tell our children... and then we could laugh and sit in awe how blessed we are to have such a great God. That is my heart's most desire... I've heard it's normal for a girl to always long and need a relationship... After all, that is how we were designed.. but sometimes I wonder, what are guys wanting? is there hope for finding a guy to have the rest of my life with? I'm such an impatient person, but this is constantly on my mind. I feel alone... :/

Have you ever wished you had the power to do more...? To do more than...God? That's sinful to think that way, but sometimes I am like.."come on God, you're taking too long." I wish I had power, but I am powerless and human. I have come to terms with this fact, but recently these questions have arose and taken over my mind!! I like this guy.... yeah, yeah, I know most of my blogs are about that, but I am a teenage girl on a blog noone ever reads.. haha. But anyways... He's a sincere gentleman. Self-driven. Confident, but humble. Hardworking. Cute :) and most of all a Christian guy... I just really like him. Nothing serious about our friendship... but I just wish He would notice me! Notice that I actually see those things about him; that I actually care about things that matter. I wish he and every future, potential guy would understand that I am wife material... or I try so hard to be... All I've heard is that you'll meet the right one, Lindsay, just be patient. I even tell my friends that when they are questioning themselves too! It seems like great advice, but I know that it doesn't help me or anyone! I just wish things would HURRY UP. That I'll meet the right guy, that I'll live in a fairy tale land where I'll wear the big, white, pastry looking dress. pastry-looking dress. Cliche, but very true. Off subject, but I had a dream about him the other night. I know Victoria is probably going to read this so :) haha here goes... so me and that guy were all around a big group of people. For some reason we were all sitting on a couch... nothing bad or anything. I think we were watching a movie..? But anyways... People would sit on both sides of us so we would have to scoot over and sit closer to eachother... He would joke and be like, "Ah man, I gotta sit by Lindsay?!" and I would just look at him like "I will hit you in the face. haha" I'm pretty sure he liked me in my dream (sigh) and he looked at me and he whispered kind of to himself, " what the hell." and he grabbed my hand. And we just sat there in solemn awareness that we both liked eachother. It was nothing sexual.... just romance. Sweet, right? :) I wish dreams really happened... just not the bad dreams like when you're dying or someone you love dies... that would suck.... but anyways.... I guess I'll just keep wishing and praying that maybe he'll realize what's right in front of him. :)

Sometimes I have no idea what I was created for, other times I feel like I know. I have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no goals for my life. Some people have it so under control and so planned out... I want to be like them. But really, I should be free. Not like the actual definition of free but like... I shouldn't care as much about if I miss a step or screw up in life. I shouldn't be so paranoid about being not perfect. I should embrace my imperfection, right? well, I wish my mom would sometimes... She tells me I'm fat... Yeah yeah yeah. She says that she cares for me, and that's why she does it. I try to wrap my mind around how her telling me that I'm fat is a good thing...? It just seems so wrong to me.... I just want to feel pretty. I used to think I was pretty.... or mildly attractive, but ever since she started being "brutally honest", I feel like I'm garbage. I don't know how to be pretty or be a girlfriend to any guy that might come along, because I feel like I'm unworthy of him liking me. So I screw up the relationship by being insecure. I thought that when you get a boyfriend, you were suppost to relax and be comfortable and secure in yourself..? It just confuses me... Honestly, I am no where near finding a husband or serious boyfriend for that matter... I don't even know who I am yet! Man... older folks weren't kidding when they said your teenage years are hell because you have no idea who you are and you depend on others to tell you who you are. It's difficult, but I always keep my mind on COLLEGE. :) I guess that's so because I feel like by then I'll know who I am.. and guys will know who they are by then... mature human beings actually soul searching. ahhh. I can't wait. Sometimes I just wonder and think about if I am normal? Most guys don't date me. I guess it's because I am fat and ugly. That's what I think, but I find out that most of the time I'm wrong when it comes to what I think guys think... They're just so damn confusing. Ugh.... but overall, I am thankful for what I have figured out about myself... I have found out that I am not the usual person... I love to observe people and truly care about them.. like I love talking about feelings with anyone... I find it fascinating when people open up to me... I live to listen to people... Maybe that is the gift that God gave to me..? Maybe I could be a psychiatrist? It could happen... :) Wow... just writing on a blog helps release alot of feelings... I'm tired. goodnight blogspot..