Sometimes I have no idea what I was created for, other times I feel like I know. I have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no goals for my life. Some people have it so under control and so planned out... I want to be like them. But really, I should be free. Not like the actual definition of free but like... I shouldn't care as much about if I miss a step or screw up in life. I shouldn't be so paranoid about being not perfect. I should embrace my imperfection, right? well, I wish my mom would sometimes... She tells me I'm fat... Yeah yeah yeah. She says that she cares for me, and that's why she does it. I try to wrap my mind around how her telling me that I'm fat is a good thing...? It just seems so wrong to me.... I just want to feel pretty. I used to think I was pretty.... or mildly attractive, but ever since she started being "brutally honest", I feel like I'm garbage. I don't know how to be pretty or be a girlfriend to any guy that might come along, because I feel like I'm unworthy of him liking me. So I screw up the relationship by being insecure. I thought that when you get a boyfriend, you were suppost to relax and be comfortable and secure in yourself..? It just confuses me... Honestly, I am no where near finding a husband or serious boyfriend for that matter... I don't even know who I am yet! Man... older folks weren't kidding when they said your teenage years are hell because you have no idea who you are and you depend on others to tell you who you are. It's difficult, but I always keep my mind on COLLEGE. :) I guess that's so because I feel like by then I'll know who I am.. and guys will know who they are by then... mature human beings actually soul searching. ahhh. I can't wait. Sometimes I just wonder and think about if I am normal? Most guys don't date me. I guess it's because I am fat and ugly. That's what I think, but I find out that most of the time I'm wrong when it comes to what I think guys think... They're just so damn confusing. Ugh.... but overall, I am thankful for what I have figured out about myself... I have found out that I am not the usual person... I love to observe people and truly care about them.. like I love talking about feelings with anyone... I find it fascinating when people open up to me... I live to listen to people... Maybe that is the gift that God gave to me..? Maybe I could be a psychiatrist? It could happen... :) Wow... just writing on a blog helps release alot of feelings... I'm tired. goodnight blogspot..