WHEN THE RAIN IS BLOWING IN YOUR FACE, AND THE WHOLE WORLD IS ON YOUR CASE; I COULD OFFER YOU A WARM EMBRACE-TO MAKE YOU FEEL MY LOVE.

Oh! the melodic words of Adele. They are simply true like that kind of truth that is blatant, but it's always shadowed by lies or feelings. ? maybe? Does that make any sense? probably not. Well let's see... it's Oct. 23 and I still have the same crush that I wrote about in my last post... He was talking to this girl for awhile- a beautiful girl. She was pretty much perfect when it came to looks! Skinny, average height, pretty teeth, pretty eyes. It's ridiculous! If you stood her and I side by side you'd know the one to pick- her. But I always thought that I had the personality key.. I'm funny, I'm not always serious, I am smart and know general day to day news, I am..different. I love to go to speech and debate tournaments, I would rather watch a good performance in DI then watch a stupid football game, although I do love football. The point is, I thought I was a "good" different.. I thought I stood out in a crowd compared to bleach blond, cheerleaders and all that stereotypical nonsense. I guess not..

The guy I have crushed on since the summer still doesn't even know I am alive!! It's like I'm nonexistent. I see him almost every week, and we'll laugh and have a good time together, but I don't feel special to him.

To be honest, I had gotten over him when school started, but now... I don't know if it's just loneliness or a genuine liking for him. He's ego is quite obnoxious when I think it... always bragging about something.. but besides that, he seems like a good guy. I don't know... I deserve better I suppose. This guy doesn't even give me the time of day to even look at me, or text me back, or even talk to me on a regular basis. I DO deserve better than this. I DO deserve someone to pay attention to me, and I not have to chase after some stupid, egotistical guy.

I tell myself this same thing OVER and OVER and OVER again and somehow- I still have feelings for him. I'm not stupid. I know he's not that into me, but I guess the part of me that is never satisfied just has to have HIM.

I guess this all falls into a deeper level of contemplation... being satisfied. But that's an entirely different post.

THIS IS WHY I HATE HAVING CRUSHES. Right at this moment, I am sitting in bed, listening to Trouble by Coldplay. It's a great depressing song that actually makes me think about the reality of this situation. When I say situation I mean this giant ache in my heart that makes me almost sick to my stomach. This sick feeling always comes to me when I think that I could be savoring up all of these feelings for this one guy, and he won't like me in return. It hurts to think that I'm actually doing this to myself- that I'm actually putting myself in a position to be hurt. Why do I do that to myself- Why does ANYone do that to themselves..? Because I and most everyone long to be with someone that they like or see themselves with. I see myself with this guy... but I feel like I'm getting mixed signals or no signals at all that I just think are signals because I want to think that they are good signals. He texts another girl the entire time he's with me. He only texts me to ask if I wanna get together with him and other guys... He asks me if I'm going to go places. He uses sarcasm with me that kind of is like flirtatious. NOTHING is clear to me. I'm so confused right now. For some reason my mind is telling me to not waste my time on this, but I say that about every opportunity guy and I feel like I'm missing out on something. Isn't it alright to have a little fun to get out there and flirt and have fun with potential guys? The problem is the possibility of being hurt. I don't even know if he's a good match for me. I'd probably be like his best friend... I want to be his ONE. I just want to be someone's ONE. I want to be the girl that one guy will be so proud and feel blessed to have. I want to feel like we were made for each other. I want to feel like it was God that brought us together in some mysterious and rather strange way that we could tell our children... and then we could laugh and sit in awe how blessed we are to have such a great God. That is my heart's most desire... I've heard it's normal for a girl to always long and need a relationship... After all, that is how we were designed.. but sometimes I wonder, what are guys wanting? is there hope for finding a guy to have the rest of my life with? I'm such an impatient person, but this is constantly on my mind. I feel alone... :/

Have you ever wished you had the power to do more...? To do more than...God? That's sinful to think that way, but sometimes I am like.."come on God, you're taking too long." I wish I had power, but I am powerless and human. I have come to terms with this fact, but recently these questions have arose and taken over my mind!! I like this guy.... yeah, yeah, I know most of my blogs are about that, but I am a teenage girl on a blog noone ever reads.. haha. But anyways... He's a sincere gentleman. Self-driven. Confident, but humble. Hardworking. Cute :) and most of all a Christian guy... I just really like him. Nothing serious about our friendship... but I just wish He would notice me! Notice that I actually see those things about him; that I actually care about things that matter. I wish he and every future, potential guy would understand that I am wife material... or I try so hard to be... All I've heard is that you'll meet the right one, Lindsay, just be patient. I even tell my friends that when they are questioning themselves too! It seems like great advice, but I know that it doesn't help me or anyone! I just wish things would HURRY UP. That I'll meet the right guy, that I'll live in a fairy tale land where I'll wear the big, white, pastry looking dress. pastry-looking dress. Cliche, but very true. Off subject, but I had a dream about him the other night. I know Victoria is probably going to read this so :) haha here goes... so me and that guy were all around a big group of people. For some reason we were all sitting on a couch... nothing bad or anything. I think we were watching a movie..? But anyways... People would sit on both sides of us so we would have to scoot over and sit closer to eachother... He would joke and be like, "Ah man, I gotta sit by Lindsay?!" and I would just look at him like "I will hit you in the face. haha" I'm pretty sure he liked me in my dream (sigh) and he looked at me and he whispered kind of to himself, " what the hell." and he grabbed my hand. And we just sat there in solemn awareness that we both liked eachother. It was nothing sexual.... just romance. Sweet, right? :) I wish dreams really happened... just not the bad dreams like when you're dying or someone you love dies... that would suck.... but anyways.... I guess I'll just keep wishing and praying that maybe he'll realize what's right in front of him. :)

Sometimes I have no idea what I was created for, other times I feel like I know. I have come to the conclusion that I have absolutely no goals for my life. Some people have it so under control and so planned out... I want to be like them. But really, I should be free. Not like the actual definition of free but like... I shouldn't care as much about if I miss a step or screw up in life. I shouldn't be so paranoid about being not perfect. I should embrace my imperfection, right? well, I wish my mom would sometimes... She tells me I'm fat... Yeah yeah yeah. She says that she cares for me, and that's why she does it. I try to wrap my mind around how her telling me that I'm fat is a good thing...? It just seems so wrong to me.... I just want to feel pretty. I used to think I was pretty.... or mildly attractive, but ever since she started being "brutally honest", I feel like I'm garbage. I don't know how to be pretty or be a girlfriend to any guy that might come along, because I feel like I'm unworthy of him liking me. So I screw up the relationship by being insecure. I thought that when you get a boyfriend, you were suppost to relax and be comfortable and secure in yourself..? It just confuses me... Honestly, I am no where near finding a husband or serious boyfriend for that matter... I don't even know who I am yet! Man... older folks weren't kidding when they said your teenage years are hell because you have no idea who you are and you depend on others to tell you who you are. It's difficult, but I always keep my mind on COLLEGE. :) I guess that's so because I feel like by then I'll know who I am.. and guys will know who they are by then... mature human beings actually soul searching. ahhh. I can't wait. Sometimes I just wonder and think about if I am normal? Most guys don't date me. I guess it's because I am fat and ugly. That's what I think, but I find out that most of the time I'm wrong when it comes to what I think guys think... They're just so damn confusing. Ugh.... but overall, I am thankful for what I have figured out about myself... I have found out that I am not the usual person... I love to observe people and truly care about them.. like I love talking about feelings with anyone... I find it fascinating when people open up to me... I live to listen to people... Maybe that is the gift that God gave to me..? Maybe I could be a psychiatrist? It could happen... :) Wow... just writing on a blog helps release alot of feelings... I'm tired. goodnight blogspot..

Revelation Song- Kari Jobe

Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. Holy, Holy is He.... Sing a new song, for Him who sits on Heaven's mercy seat. Worthy is the Lamb who was slain. Holy, Holy is He... Sing a new song, for Him who sits on Heaven's mercy seat. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come. With all Creation I sing praise to the King of Kings, You are my everything, and I will adore You.

Clothed in rainbows of living color, flashes of lightning, rolls of thunder, blessing in honor and strength in glory and power be the only wise king. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come. With all Creation I sing praise to the King of Kings, You are my everything, and I will adore You.

Filled with wonder, awestruck wonder at the mention of Your name. Jesus Your name is power, breath and living water, such a marvelous mystery. Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come. With all Creation I sing praise to the King of Kings, You are my everything, and I will adore You.

Holy, Holy, Holy is the Lord God Almighty who was and is and is to come. With all Creation I sing praise to the King of Kings, You are my everything, and I will adore You.

This song is so beautiful. When I hear it, it feels as if there is hope in my life. I find myself falling into holes of sin... but this feeling.... this feeling and knowing that there IS a hope. That hope is JESUS. He is the only one who can save me. I praise Him.

what's going on inside.

Hey, I haven't been on here in a very long time. kinda sad I know! well have you ever felt like there is no more hope to find someone out there?... this thought crosses my mind ALL the time. 'what if I don't find someone soon?" "Am I going to be alone for the rest of my life?" "What if I don't get married?" "Do people think I'm weird?" See, the thing is. I have a very low self esteem when it comes to looks and my openness to people. I have recently gained alot of weight which automatically lowers it... but I guess that is my fault. but my mother is always drilling me about. "Sweetie, you are getting bigger than a house." UM.... WHAT. She says it's constructive criticism. UM... once again. WHAT? how is that constructive? Honestly, that just sounds like you're making fun of me. but whatever. I've become alot crazier publicly with my friends. They honestly don't look at my seriously. So, sometimes I try to act serious and mature but then they end up not talking to me. Then most guys think I'm strange.... because I said odd things and I'm really random.... I can't help that I am like that. There are some guys that I would REALLY like to date. They're just amazing people, and I really look deep down when I like someone. I've made up my mind to search for someone who is deeper than just the average, preppy guy who wants his girlfriend to be proper and snobby. I hate that. I want to be me, but I can't be me. Sometimes I wish I could escape from it all.... just run away to another world. There is one guy that I have always cared for, but we've gone out before but it never works.... but for some reason in my heart we are perfect for each other.

If I am tired of anything it would be the hassle of searching for your future husband. It seems like it will never happen. I see all of these happy, beautifully cut out for each other couples all the time. Just they way they look at each other is breath taking. It's not lustful at all... it's kind of like they're seeing for the first time. I want to feel that way. Feel that content and love in the pit of my stomach, because for once I am TRUELY happy. Not that happiness that last for a couple of seconds.... that lifetime of joy. I think love is beautiful. God is amazing. He sure was an interesting creator. Who else could have designed me to feel this way? Even though I complain and I am heart searching, I know God is putting me through this so I will know for sure when I find my other half.

Once Again

break ups. they suck. i HAD this boyfriend that was absolutely amazing. would tell me anything i wanted to hear. and i didn't even have to tell him to say that stuff. he knew what i wanted to hear. i guess that could have been the first clue to knowing he was a move-on kind of guy. i mean... gah. he broke up with me over text! what the crap??? it was so sudden. like he had a thought that it wouldn't hurt my feelings or anything. maybe i'm over thinking this. but i know im not. i hate to hurt like this. to have these feelings about myself. i feel so insecure and horrible. why couldn't he have just called me and explained it to me why. oh here's the best part now. i ask him why and he tells me I can't tell you. AGAIN. WHAT THE CRAP???? are you serious? we've been friends forever! even if im not your girlfriend anymore he could of at least told me as his best friend. pathetic. sadly. i still care for him alot. i haven't cried... yet. but just the fact that he won't tell me this little detail of why our whole relationship failed, it makes me feel so insecure. like im just not good enough for him. just pathetic. once again. i'm single. and all i can do now is listen to Ashes and Wine by A Fine Frenzy. just describes my whole entire emotional world here. the first line is DOn't know what to do anymore. exactly how i feel. i was so happy before that horrible hour of denial and fate. and once again. I'm left alone. without the respect of myself. Once again.